Forgive Me For The Clutter In My Head

screwed up and damned. thats the best that i could think of for describing exactly how i feel right now. its like i want to jump off the building but its only 4 storeys high. i want to drown in a pool but its only 3 feet deep. i want to poison myself but i dont have the right stuff. even in trying to end the misery, i still manage to screw up. cant i do anything right??

so, what can i do to get my head clear. i dont have the slightest idea how to unweave the crap in my head. this is the time where i miss marc all the more. i need someone to tell me to stand up and fight without pushing me to the egde of reason.

argh, im talking non sense!! i shouldve just stayed with numbers!!! numbers are more consistent that i am. they dont make yer damn life complicated.

someone wrote this and it seemed like they had me in mind: Gemini, the sign of the Twins, is dual-natured, elusive, complex and contradictory. On the one hand it produces the virtue of versatility, and on the other the vices of two-facedness and flightiness. The sign is linked with Mercury, the planet of childhood and youth, and its subjects tend to have the graces and faults of the young. When they are good, they are very attractive; when they are bad they are more the worse for being the charmers they are. Like children they are lively, and happy, if circumstances are right for them, or egocentric, imaginative and restless. They take up new activities enthusiastically but lack application, constantly needing new interests, flitting from project to project as apparently purposelessly as a butterfly dancing from flower to flower. To them life is a game which must always be full of fresh moves and continuous entertainment...

why do i keep this damn game?